Video Transcript

[Note: Video contains explicit language.]

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Latashia Stephens: The first call came in on the phone, and then all our lines lit up. And then the radio operator, I heard her say, "We have shots fired." So, we had a massive shooting at the Pulse nightclub. We have multiple victims. 
 
Jonathan Cute: I remember standing up from a sound sleep, looking at my wife and said, "This is not good." I knew this was something a lot bigger than probably any of us have seen up to that point. 
 
Bryce Essary: You're never going to forget that. You're never going to forget for the rest of your life walking into that mass casualty. I mean, that was significant. At the time, that was the worst mass shooting in the history of the United States. 
 
Nelly Rodriguez: My partner next to me said, "Is anybody else receiving any calls on an active shooter?" And then it just felt so surreal. 
 
[News Footage] We experienced an active shooter situation towards the Route 91 concert that was taking place on the east side of Las Vegas Blvd. 
 
Travis Haldeman: We could hear the gunshots much clearer, and I'm like, "Oh cow, I think that's gunshots." And we look over to our left, maybe ten feet away, and someone's laying on the ground, blood coming out of them, and like, "Holy cow, this is happening."
 
Jesse Gomez: There's a lady on the ground, and her face was just bloodied. She was obviously hurt pretty bad. I think at that moment is when I decided, something switched to me that I was going to stay back and help. 
 
David Miranda: So, once we were allowed inside, as I'm sure you can imagine—there was, it was indescribable—something I say that no one, no one should need to see. There was a fair amount of blood. It was hard to maneuver. There were casings scattered throughout the floor, as well as individuals, just, all over from the entryway to the exit way. 
 
Latashia Stephens: And then, we just started triaging all of the calls. They were coming in nonstop. Nonstop. People were calling that they had been shot or they were hearing shots, and all our phone lines were just lit up. 
 
Dr. Joseph Ibrahim: Immediately upon entering that room, I could tell this was a different level than we had ever encountered. Patients were obviously in every bay, and I could look down at the—there's another door at the opposite end, and there were people just coming in one after another. 
 
Dr. Deborah Kuhls: It was probably zero to 40 patients in about five minutes—was that first surge. 
 
David Miranda: I was inside smelling the smells, feeling everything, seeing everything for eight hours and seeing and getting hands-on with every single person that was in there. 
 
Felicia Borla: And a lot of people ended up having to leave someone behind—somebody that got injured, somebody that fell, or somebody that died in front of them—and they had to flee. And so, we had people arriving covered in blood, we had people absolutely hysterical, some people who just got lost from the rest of their group. 
 
Latashia Stephens: As  sad as it is, there were some operators that actually stayed on the phone with some people, and that was the last time that they spoke to that person or that person spoke to anyone. 
 
Nelly Rodriguez: A young lady was having an asthma attack because she had run from the scene. At some point, I stopped hearing her gasp, and immediately at that point, I thought to myself, "Oh my gosh: Someone just died on my line."
 
Lorea Arostegui: There’s one family that always sticks in my head because they had kids with them at their table—little kids. And one little girl had her mom's blood on her. And it's just something that doesn't leave your head, ever. 
 
Dr. Joseph Ibrahim: You want to save everybody. I mean, that's why we do this. That's why we went into this business. You want to save everybody you operate on or work on, and it's not always up to you. 
 
Steve Riback: We’re tasked with as first responders the responsibility to take care of people, and I saw it firsthand. And it was tremendous. 
 
James Young: They don this uniform, and they go in to help people and to help people and risk putting themselves in harm's way to help total strangers that, you know, these officers didn't know people. They didn't know anyone. I don't think they did it because it's their job. Anyone can do their job. I think they did it because they are good people and that's what they believe in. And it's not just their job. It's their-it's their beliefs. It's their morals. It's their values of helping people. 

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Jonathan Cute: I remember driving home. So, I call my wife. I tell her, "Hey, I'm on my way home, and had a little bit of a ride to kind of think about some stuff." I was like, "All right, that was, that was pretty serious." But really, honestly, not completely hitting me at that point. So, I go upstairs. I'm lying in bed not five minutes and I fall asleep—and, all of a sudden it is like "Bang, bang, bang, bang"—super rapid, super loud—and I'm like, "What the fuck was that?" So, I jump up and I'm yelling for my wife as I'm coming across our bedroom down the hallway and to the top of the stairs, and I'm like, "Laura, Laura!" I said, "What the fuck was that?" And she's like, and she's like, "What was what?" So, I go, "Sounded like gunfire." She's like, "No, no: Everything's good." I'm like, "Oh, this is good. I’m frickin’ losing my mind already." You know, it's been a couple hours. 
 
Nelly Rodriguez: On October 1, I was a brand-new trainee, only on the job for seven months. I hadn't been fully signed-off, so I was still a probationary employee. So, when I drove home that day, I drove home on autopilot. It's like, blank stare. I just know my eyes followed the road, and I had managed to get home, and I was greeted by my husband. And he said, "Come in; I'm so glad you're home." And, at that point I said, "But you don't understand how many people were not able to make it home tonight to their families." And I said, "Why am I lucky? You know, like, why am I one of the lucky ones that got to make it home?" I was like, "It is so sad. Some of these people don't even know that their families, you know, or that their family member isn't going to make it home from this trip."
 
Tom Veivia: During our response to the Sandy Hook shooting, I was the senior team leader for the FBI's SWAT team out of the New Haven Division. The night of Sandy Hook, I was having nightmares of dead children hiding in my bedroom I'd wake up to, and I would see these children hiding. And then, it was Christmas time. I'd be Christmas shopping, and I'd have a spontaneous recall of some of the wounds that the children had suffered. That's when the impact really started, then. I just didn't really—I knew it was going to be impactful. I just wasn't sure—I didn't realize how impactful it's going to be. 
 
Bryce Essary: There was a couple gunshot wounds, injuries on those victims that I had seen before, and I had never given a much thought because it was in a different environment and it was in a different place where this was not 10 miles away from my family. But then, seeing that end of that violence, that resonated with me because it wasn't—it was a different impact. 
 
Felicia Borla: We have something here called "First Friday." I'm sure a lot of cities kind of do where they have, kind of, like an arts thing once a month with vendors and music and things. So, I was thinking, "Great: I get to relax. Let's go to it." I got there and, as I got in line just to get a beer-type thing, everything, all of a sudden, clicked in: everything from my coworkers, things, the smell of alcohol, the sound of music, the vendors being near. Just, I never had a panic attack at all myself. And I actually started shaking and I had never done that before. And my husband quickly got me away to a restaurant. 
 
Dr. Deborah Khuls: In Boston was probably the first time that the sadness really kind of caught up to me. And there was this really cool old church and they were going to have a requiem performed. It was on a Saturday night. So, I stopped in, and it was a beautiful old church. And, and I thought, "This is what I'm going to do on a Saturday night."
 
Bryce Essary: You're never going to come back from that as not having experienced that, so—but, again, it goes back to that was one incident over, you know, when you do this for a living and whatever your endeavor was before, you have compounding. It's cumulative. It's why people get into this line of work and they're perfectly happy when they first come in and they're excited about the job. And then, 25 years later, they're pissed off and ready to get out the door. 
 
James Young: I think it got to a point where it was like, you are just like, you're at work all the time. You have not taken a break. I realized that I call it "the shift that never ended." It literally never ended for me. And I think that was when I realized, like, "You're right: This is a shift that has not ended. It hasn't stopped. It was still ongoing, was still ongoing, was still ongoing." I realized, like, I gotta stop looking at this in the way I was looking at it and start looking at it from a different perspective. 
 
Dr. David Black: Your average person on the street isn't about to say, "Sure, I will wear body armor and carry a sidearm." And, for my career, you can dispatch me to the most dangerous situations in my community all day long. These are courageous, resilient people who pick up the torch and say, "I will serve my community in that capacity." Why that's important to understand is because, if you are that tough and if you are that resilient to begin with, it's going to take a while, typically, for the trauma, for the stress, for the effects of the job to stack up. 
 
Nelly Rodriguez: Now, going into work after the events, on my end, you know, I'm trying not to get flustered, you know, or try not to panic. So, any time I get a phone call and someone is gasping for air and they could barely tell me their address, it brings me back to that day. 
 
Felicia Borla: We heard about the memorial being built. While we were going through the week, I thought, "Okay, let me go walk across the street and see what they made." So, I walked across the street, and there were pictures of everybody. My husband stood behind me and let me go through every single person and say what I knew about everyone who I met. I could tell what her favorite food was; what she did that night; who her dog was; you know, what his son was saying; what family was arguing with each other, not getting along after his death, who they were not wanting to notify. And I went through every single person getting to say my whole week, basically, of everybody in the family. And when it was all done, it was like a huge release. 
 
Jonathan Cute: Now, it's mandated that we talked to CISM, Critical Incident Stress Management Team, and I think the team does a good job of being aware that, at the end of the day, you are the Orlando Police Department. So, we are not any different than any other officer at the police department. So, I remember walking in the parking lot of our briefing where we brief, at this place called Primrose, and a handful of us are walking in, and everybody looks at each other and said, "If everybody keeps their mouth shut, we'll be out of here in a half hour," and we figured, "And then, we’re good, and then we'll go talk ourselves." So, we walk in there, and I want to say it was about 4.5 hours before we walked out of there. They said, "Listen, guys: We're not going to push ourselves on you, but we want to know that we're here, and whatever you need and when you to talk about it, we’re going to do it. But why don't you guys talk first, just as a team." Best thing they could have done for us. It definitely felt like, okay, there was something here, like, that's going to be with us for a little bit and, and we were going to have to figure this out as a team because this—although this is going to be great, and it was for 4.5 hours—it was really good. I knew that like that scab hadn’t had even started to form, right, on that wound. 
 
Dr. David Black: After a bad incident, it's important to understand that in some of those cases, you're going to want to get together and do a debriefing. But, in a lot of cases, you're probably not going to want to do that. When a group of people collectively experience a similar level of trauma, and it's experienced as a group, and when you have outstanding clinicians and peer support who are able to facilitate a very, very strong debriefing experience, that can be really, really strong, healing. So, you'll see, in some cases, it's successful, and, in other cases, it's really not successful or potentially harmful. So, what I advocate for is that you have these various resources that are available for officers to see one-on-one. We all deserve a one-on-one care. 
 
Tom Veivia: I think I recognized that I was struggling, and, at the time I had young kids, so I didn't want to go home and be a hothead. So, I started out, I would have a—I'd go home and I'd have a cocktail to just take the edge off. And then, eventually, it was two, then three. The depression, isolation, you know, isolating myself and my team was just making things worse. And that, actually, was recognized by somebody else. 
 
Nelly Rodriguez: So, when my son pointed it out to me that I was not okay and I was not the same, absolutely, that was my wake-up call. Because, at this point, I'm thinking, "I'm just doing everything right," and not noticing the mood changes, not noticing that I no longer wanted to go out anywhere. I no longer wanted to go camping. You know, I just wanted to sit in front of a TV and do nothing. 
 
Misty Richardson: So, we had the services there for people to use, but because, in their mind that, you know, "I was just, I'm a nurse at a hospital; I'm not a first responder," or "I'm a trauma surgeon; I deal with this all of the time. I'm not a first responder." And then, all of the people that were in the Family Assistance Center or the emergency management staff, the clinicians that we brought in, they didn't see themselves as first responders when, in reality, they were equally as impacted, if not more, because of the long-term exposure to everything. 
 
Lorea Arostegui: As a social worker, it's hard for me to like, say, "I need to take care of myself," because my job is to tell people how to take care of themselves and give them the resources. So, but, I know what I'm supposed to be doing. I have the resources, I know them, and I can utilize them. And I didn’t. And wouldn't. For whatever reason, I don't know why I wouldn't or why I didn't. I just felt like, "No, I don't need it. It's my job. This is what I do, and this is why I come to work for. And these are the people I assist."
 
Dr. David Black: So, the effects of post-traumatic stress are wide ranging and they affect your family. They affect you and your personal life and they affect your organization. One thing that's critical to understand is that a lot of low-grade post-traumatic stress can what we call "spontaneously remit " over time. The trauma is going to take on a life of its own and it's going to require treatment. Without that, it's going to impact all aspects of your life. 
 
Jonathan Cute: There was a friend of ours—former Navy Seal—that was here, and without him knowing anything in detail about certain people on our team, he said, "Let's talk about Kevin." His words were, "Kevin's broken." And I was like, "Okay, that's pretty loud coming from a guy like you." And we talked, and for him to not know anything about Kevin in the short time he was around him, he was able to pick that up. I knew we were probably in a real bad place with Kevin at that point.

He puts me in touch with someone. She's a therapist. I tell her on the phone everything I have at that point going on with Kevin, and she says, "We need to talk to him." So I go, "Okay." I said, "Give me a minute because it's going to take me a minute to get him there, but I'll get him to talk to you." I also had a conversation with his wife, which—I never talked to his wife outside of him being present, so, it was very awkward for me to make a call to her.

But I, also—The things that were getting back to me, I knew what a strong couple they were, but I knew that was weakening daily. So, I was like, "Okay, I have to call her. And if he's pissed at me, he's pissed at me. But, you know what? I mean, if he's my friend, it's okay."

So, I call her up and I said, "Listen, I'm not asking you to talk bad about your husband, but what I am asking you is, 'Are things as bad as I hear?'" And she said, "They're worse." So, I go, "Okay." So, I said, "How do you feel about Kevin going away?" And she says, "I think that's the only thing that'll save him." So, I’m like, "Alright."

So, I go to dinner with him, and I tell him, "Hey, man: This is going to be probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do," and tell my friend that needs help. And he pushes back from his seat, from the table, and he goes, "I don't need help." And I said, "You do." I said, "And here's what the deal is." I said, "If you don't do this," I said, "you're going to lose your family. You probably lose your team, your spot on the team, and everybody but you is aware of this. So, this is where we're at. You got to get help." And so he says, "What do I got to do?" I said, "We got it already lined up; you need to leave tomorrow." And he goes, "I can't leave tomorrow—I got work, I got my wife, I got my kids." And I go, "Kevin, you won’t have your wife or kids if you don’t leave tomorrow."  So, he realizes that, and we get Kevin the help that he needs.

And I think, had he not been put in that position—and again, that was what was dealt to him, right—he wouldn't have been a guy that ever thought twice that he would need help. 
 
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Jesse Gomez: I thought it was okay. Like, I was part of this peer-support team, I had training for me and my head. I was like, "I know what to expect. I'm trained, I know I'm good. Nothing could happen to me," not knowing that was far from the case.

At the time, I was testing for captain.

So, I would go into work, I put my head in the books—or at least act like I was—and no one would bother me. But it wasn't that easy. Came to the point where I’d drive around or just be by myself and I’d just start crying, wondering who was going to put up Christmas lights or who was going to walk my kids down for graduations or weddings. Who’s going to walk my daughters or be there for them? I didn’t get hurt but I was dying inside wondering all these things.

But, again, though, it wasn’t—I wouldn't say anything. And it happened a lot, driving around.

And I’d go home and, unfortunately, that's where the brunt of all this—more arguing with wife, just yelling at my kids. They were afraid to be around me. If I came in the room, they would leave the room.

I was probably drinking—I know I was drinking more than I should have—and my wife was trying to heal herself, but trying to find anyone to help me. But when anyone called me, I’d tell them, "I'm fine." So, it's not by her lack of trying, it’s just by my own ego, my own stupidity that I just didn’t admit anything.

So, it went on for months, and it got worse. And I'm lucky my wife stayed. 
 
Travis Haldeman: For my wife and I, you know, I kind of explain it like, we were both on this roller coaster. And as long as, you know, she was having a good moment, and I was having a bad moment, like, we were fine. We could pick each other up. We could be there for one another like we normally are. But it was when we'd, like, sync up, when we would both have hit these lows. I'm, like, embarrassed of the state of our relationship when we were both in these lows.

That was a first time, I think, where I could tell, like, something's wrong with me. Like my mind is sick, I'm ill right now, and I need to do something about it. There's a difference, though, of recognizing, that you're sick, I think, and being, like, willing or able to seek out that help.

And so, part of my sickness that I was dealing with is like, I thought I deserved to feel bad, right? I didn't deserve to feel good at all. Like, 58 people died that night. Like, how dare I feel good about anything I did or any of the people that I helped? Like, I should feel bad. "I let 58 people die" was my mindset back then.

So, anytime I felt good—I was having a good day or moment—I'd punish myself. I'd look up the stories of, you know, one of these 58 people that died. I'd do a little bit more digging, ask other people that were there what their experience was, if they met anybody and saw anybody that could have used my help but didn't get it, you know. And then, at night, I'd have these, like, night terrors where I'd be dead asleep and, in the middle of the night, I'd wake up, my heart racing. I'm sweating, I'm out of breath, and then, good luck falling asleep after that.

So, I'm only getting a few hours of a sleep at night and then, I get to go to work, and it's awesome. Like, I put the costume on again. I get to run the calls. I get to pretend to be okay in front of my brothers. I get to help people out. That's what I love to do. And then I come home, you know, we're dealing with all this same stuff again, and my mind was just getting sicker and sicker.

And I'd been to therapy a couple of times and lied to the therapist. I just wanted to be good. I wanted to, like, be all right. I wanted to be the kind of guy that, like, "This is just water off a duck's back." I didn't want this to affect me. And so, I'd go to these therapy appointments and just lie and tell them how great I'm doing and how fine I am. And I wouldn't tell them about the night terrors, you know, which I try to keep as hidden as possible.

So, two weeks after this event happens, I wake up again in the middle of the night like I had been doing—only, this time, I wake up with this, like, epiphany feeling: like for the first time since that night, I finally had a plan. And I wake up with this idea that, like, "I just need to die. If I could die, everybody around me will be happy: My wife will be happy, and my kids will be happy." Like, I'm the thing that's keeping them from this true happiness.  

Dr. David Black: The research shows that about one out of 12 officers are contemplating suicide in any given one-year period. We really need to normalize being able to talk about suicidal thoughts, whether that's actively thinking about suicide or passively thinking about suicide, which often involves putting yourself in more risk or dangerous situations simply because you're devaluing your life or having thoughts that "I would be okay or I would be satisfied or happy if I wasn't here anymore." The data does not support the idea that talking about suicide increases risk for suicide whatsoever. 
 
Dr. Kevin Gilmartin: When we ignore the signs, we pay the price, and that price can be the ultimate price where we lose a law enforcement officer to suicide. 
 
Jesse Gomez: One day, just couldn't take it, and called someone at work and I got help. And I was lucky to get help so quickly. And it wasn't that the person I talked to had some earth-shattering something. I think it was just finally that I just couldn't take it and I needed someone to talk to. I think just talking to my counselor, my therapist, and just letting stuff go and talking about it and accepting stuff—accepting that I was okay and accepting that I'm okay to feel the way I do, still do, or I did—and admitting where I was wrong, that I wasn't being judged by anyone. We just all want to help, and I wasn't letting anyone do that. I wasn't letting myself go. 
 
Travis Haldeman: I'd convinced myself that if I could just die, it doesn't count as suicide.

And, you know, I wake up. I say goodbye to my kids. I say goodbye to my dogs. I go to say goodbye to my wife like I do every morning, just much earlier than typical. I give her a kiss, tell her, "Goodbye."

And so, for some reason or another, she stops me from leaving—doesn't allow me to go—and maybe sensed something was something was up, something was wrong, and saves my life. We have this really long talk—lasts for hours. It was, like, the first really long, deep, honest talk we've had since the event. I think that really kind of was the turning point for me of being willing to accept help, be willing to be honest with the help that I'm seeking and being offered. And I'm grateful to my wife, you know. She saved my life.  
 
Jonathan Cute: We’re all taking care of ourselves or trying to take care of each other and, I'm kind of missing cues in my own life, right? My wife, I’ll never forget, comes to me in the kitchen. I can picture right now sitting here like, where I was standing, and she's like, I've had enough. And I’m thinking what? And, you know, my wife's five foot nothing. She walks up and get to my face and we don't do that with each other. So, I knew like right away, like, what is this? This is not us. Like, what is happening here? And she's standing like nose to nose to me. She's like, enough. She says, you don't realize what you're doing. I'm thinking what I'm doing. I'm like, what are you talking about? You know, you're quick to help your buddies. You're quick to leave the house to, you know, go help someone. She goes, as important as that it is, it’s just as important that you're here to help us. And I'm thinking, what are you even talking about. She's like, you need to talk to somebody. She goes, you need to fix this. She goes, or you're not going to have us. And I'm thinking, alright that's pretty serious. You know, if it was something I don't want to talk about, I wouldn't talk about it. I would shut everybody down, especially with Pulse, like, I would only talk to certain people about Pulse. I didn't feel like I had anything in common with other people who had not had not been there. I said, okay, I'm going, I'm going to get help. So, I went and talked to a very close friend at the police department, and I said, hey, man, this is kind of what was said to me last night at, at the house. And they go, we got a place for you. I know where you can go. I’m like, really? So, I went there, I fought it, I put off, you know, going and scheduling it. This is a matter of a couple days, but I'm doing everything I can do to stall this out because I'm thinking, what, what is my problem, like, and I don't even realize a problem so how I do have a problem and what the fuck is my problem? Because she's telling me I got a problem. I probably do, right. After several sessions, what I find out is, and ultimately for me, is that I felt like if I truly was that kid that wanted to be a police officer since I was five, then nothing like that should happen, right? The police. Us. I am the police, right? Us, as a community of law enforcement should have been able to stop that. We are here to help people and I believe that. And that's what we do. and sometimes, you know, you can't help everybody, but I just feel like the responsibility that we have to people is that big that we should have and again, I'm not saying this any officer, myself included, that's where I struggle, is I wish we were standing there and could have ended it like that. 
 
Dr. David Black: When people reach out for wellness, sometimes they're being proactive and other times it's very reactive. It's because stress and trauma has stacked up or it's because I've just gone through something very, very bad right now. And people's ability to communicate that varies widely to. Some people are very articulate about it, able to go in depth with their emotions. There are other people in law enforcement who are more people of action, they're tactical. They're very grounded in reality. And what they don't like to do is talk about their emotions a lot. Well, a therapist can be of great help to that person, but we need a culturally competent therapist who is able to, you know, pick that officer up where they are, meet them, and understand that's normal. So, we've got to be able to meet them where they are when they're ready with a wide range of resources. 

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Dr. Deborah Kuhls: I don't think one totally gets over the experience. I think it's always there. And I think that what someone does with it really varies a lot. So, you have some that it's bothered so much that they've changed careers or they're dropping out of the health care field. You have others, it motivates them to actually be there for the next time that this happens. 
 
Dr. Joseph Ibrahim: Overall, I mean I’ve come a long way, I think. It's something that now, like I said, we feel a responsibility to help others that go through similar situations or help others prepare because you just never know, as we've seen, the one of the biggest things we can do is help people be prepared so that hopefully minimal or even no life is lost in these next situations like this. 
 
Jesse Gomez: I'm happy. I'm happy and happier now. I couldn't tell you from before or from after. It’s obviously something that will always be with me and living with this. I think as a first responder, we're, we're getting better at that. But there's so much more work to do. 
 
Travis Haldeman: I'm much better off my wife and I relationship. We're still married. We're going on ten years now. We're doing great. I do a lot of training through the peer support team on my department. Any class they throw out, I throw my name in the hat at, and it's to help other people. But also, you know, I get a lot of help out of that, those classes as well. 
 
Jonathan Cute: Where I'm at, I’m still, I still come to work positive. I still am a positive person. I'm still, want to help people. myself personally, I'm way down the road in a better place than where I didn't even realize I was at before. What brings this up is talking about it, but it's good. It really is. Even this far after the incident. Some people choose whether they’re just, they're over it, they don't want to talk about it. For whatever reason. Some people, maybe still, it doesn't feel good to talk about it. If someone's kind of fallen off from what they usually are, you know, like, I encourage you to talk to people to find out why they are, you know, maybe you don't even know them that well, but figure out a way to get to them. Because if you take this job serious and you truly are the police and you're good police, you will identify those people when you can and you will do something about it. You will get them the help they need. 
 
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Travis Haldeman: It's hard to be the one in the crowd that says, I need help. That's not what we got into this job for, to get help and receive help from other people. The whole reason we like doing this is we like to be the one that offers the solutions, that fixes the problems, that shows up and does the right thing. But probably the most brave thing I've done in my life was when I got to that point where I said, I need help. I can't do this on my own. And I think the stigma is getting better. There is still unfortunately, there is still a stigma out there, right? And so some people feel like it could be detrimental, to them or their career. I felt that way, to a degree. But then once you actually go through with it and get the help, and when you get to a point where you can be honest and talk about this journey that you took, you realize that the stigma is not there, that more people appreciate you being honest with them and talking about this openly with them, you get much more respect from those people than you would if you just gutted this feeling and tried to deal with it on your own. You know, that's not, that's not the right thing to do. 
 
Dr. David Black: Unfortunately, there are real circumstances, there are factual realities that do feed into the stigma. And this gets at leadership, it gets at policy, it gets at peer support. Everybody needing to do their job the right way and appreciate that asking for help is normal in the job. And unfortunately, one thing that psychology has done that's not been helpful is when you think about the pre-employment psychological screen, when you go in and your first interaction with a police psychologist is, I need to present myself as suitable for the job. And then when you've successfully done that, you get the job. And so, it teaches you interacting with a police psychologist is about not showing weakness. In fact, it's about professionally probably suppressing some weakness so that you can get the job. How does that set law enforcement up when now they're supposed to later go back to what is sometimes the same psychologist and say, you know what, now I need help. I have these vulnerabilities. I'm having these problems. It's only natural that people would start to think their job might be in jeopardy. It's also real important for, police chiefs, for sheriffs, for other command staff to send the message that it's okay to not be okay, and that this job takes a toll on us over time. And when it takes a toll on you, which at some point it will. In this agency, we look out for each other, and we respect the fact that the stress will get to you at some point. And so, we provide you with tools and resources so that you can get the help you need when you need it. And in this agency, there's no stigma. We will not tolerate a stigma in this agency. And instead, we're about you getting the support you need. That's what we need from our law enforcement leaders. 
 
Bryce Essary: I would say that this organization has grown up, especially that communitas within the SWAT program, within the tactical program. I think that it's a different generation that is more, not that it was never going to be accepting of that, but I think that now more of us are in tune with the damage it's doing. I think generations, we've done a lot of damage to ourselves. It's just like working out has changed. You don't just go do jog and go lift weights. Now we do functional fitness and we and we integrate a lot of stretching and a lot of yoga and that's, that's exercise Science has changed as has keeping yourself mentally prepared for that next incident. 
 
Dr. Joseph Ibrahim: I would say you have a responsibility to help those coming behind you because I was in that group where, you know, my all my mentors were tough and never showed any emotion and never talked, it was never part of the discussion. You know, going through this, I realized not only do I need to do it for me and for my patients going forward. And not only does it have to be a mass casualty, but it can be, again, one bad case that just was difficult that I need to be able to talk about, I need to be open about that or at least talk to somebody so then, I think it helps you to maintain your compassion, maintain your empathy, not become, you know, the burnout that is so common in our line of work just because I think a big part of that is not opening up, not talking to others and not sharing. And then again, for those generations, coming behind us those future physicians, nurses, you really have an obligation to show them that it's okay, not just okay, but you need to have that outlet. Otherwise, you know, again, you're not going to be at your best and it will eventually, you know, beat you down and may shorten your career or make you not as good a provider. Or it may affect your home life. 
 
Bryce Essary: My job as an STL should be to ensure that everybody on that team is in the right headspace and is managing their stress appropriately. And it compounds, again, you respond to the Pulse nightclub, or you're working child exploitation, and you go home, and you get in a fight with your spouse. You know, you get your kids making bad grades. That's compounding. You have to take care of that. You have to process that because it doesn't just go away. So that compounds. And that's what causes sleepless nights. That's what causes you to think about things, incessantly. And then next thing you know, you're spiraling, and it actually impacts you, you know, physically. 
 
Dr. Kevin Gilmartin: Departments now are going towards having routine annual and semiannual visits with the mental health unit. I think that's a great idea. Having that relationship with the mental health professional as part of the culture is terribly important to start reducing the damage that police work does to people. 
 
Steve Riback: The health and well-being and the resiliency for officers is very, very important. And it's something that you have to impart. They have to know that they're cared about because you can give somebody a gun and a badge as, say, go out there and you can train them, but that's only one part of it. And so, them having that confidence in their leadership that they can come forward and get the help that they need and truly believe it, that's tremendous. and it's incredibly impactful. 
 
Dr. Kevin Gilmartin: This isn't a program. Building resiliency has to be part of the law enforcement culture. It has to be from day one. We have to have physically fit emotionally sound officers. So, we have to start bringing wellness into the entire day to day fabric of policing. 
 
Dr. David Black: Wellness should be your number one priority, because if you ask yourself what is the number one asset that your agency possesses? And if you think about it, you're going to say, clearly, it's your people. What's going to really impact recruitment and retention. It's going to be if you become identified as a leading wellness organization in law enforcement, more people are going to want to join your agency and fewer people are going to want to leave, and you're going to be identified as a higher quality agency overall. Take an audit of what's going on in your agency from a wellness perspective, and be thinking about, how do I strengthen this? And that should be your number one priority. 
 
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Jonathan Cute:  Kind of a common theme with law enforcement, great at helping others, suck at helping ourselves. 
 
Felicia Borla:  There's so much of where I think working with law enforcement and being in this position we have, we need to be strong, or we need to handle everything. If you did your job, wonderful, but then you're allowed to have that break. 
 
James Young: Things that happen from this perspective for a law enforcement officer, it might not happen that day. You might be fine that day, you might be fine that week. You might be fine for a year; you might be fine. And then all of a sudden, one day, maybe another tragedy happens, or something happens that brings all that back to you. 
 
Tom Veivia: I just tell people the bill comes due at some point. You can either pay it now or you can pay it later. But you have to pay it at some point. It's not a mental illness, it's considered the brain injury. When you have that neurochemical dump into your brain, it causes inflammation. It causes swelling. Many organizations are now recognizing it as a on duty injury and not a mental illness. 
 
Steve Riback: We do everything together, you know, we don't we don't go into the buildings, you know, we always call for backup. We're always calling for help. and what I try to impart on people is this is no different. We have a unique and awesome responsibility to take care of others. And that doesn't stop at our front door. It doesn't stop with us. 
 
Jesse Gomez: I think every day I'm in a better place. I think, I'm still part of the peer support. I think. I don't ever want anyone to go through what I, I went through. I don't ever want anyone's family to go through what I put them through. So, I don't mind sharing. I don't mind telling someone that all this is normal, that whatever you're feeling is normal. It's okay to not be okay, but there's so many people that feel the same way. More than we will ever know. And all of us are afraid to say something. All of us are afraid that we're going to be judged and we're not, we're not judged by anyone. We live in a world where we want to help each other, but we're afraid to help ourselves. The biggest thing we can do is just get help. whatever that looks like. 
 
Dr. David Black: Not getting help when you need it can dramatically impact your chances for survival and your ability to have the high-quality life that you deserve. We have to respect the fact that as human beings, they're going to get to a point in their careers where they need help and God bless them. We cannot have a stigma creating a barrier from them getting the help they need. 
 
Bryce Essary: If you're an ER doctor, if you're a fireman, a policeman, if you're in this job, you're going to be exposed to the worst that humanity has to offer. And that's just, you chose that and that's exciting and it's an amazing and stressful, you know, job, great responsibility. But with it comes you lose that normalcy. It's over for you. And you have to recognize that, and you have to process it and deal with it. It's not the incident itself. It's how ready you were with the previous stress, with the previous trauma, you know. 
 
Dr. Joseph Ibrahim: And my wife always says, you guys are so good at compartmentalizing. You guys can just deal with things and remain so calm. And that's great as a physician, but not necessarily as a person. For the longest time I felt like I don't want to bring the trauma home. I don't want to they don't want to hear about this. And that was what my mind was telling me. And I think that's what most physicians, law enforcement, EMS, anybody that deals with these horrific things. Most families actually want you to, I mean, not necessarily the gory detail, necessarily, but at least talking about the situation because what happens if you don't talk about that, you can easily, again, compartmentalize and that becomes a part of your life that you keep completely separate and almost isolated. And over time, your family will feel like they're missing a part of your life. 
 
James Young: This tragedy made me see the strongest people I thought were the strongest, most able bodied first responders, brought them to tears. And so don't be afraid to have emotions. Don't be afraid to show those emotions. Don't be afraid to talk to other people about those emotions. It's not going to make you look weak. It's going to save you. It's going to save your life. It's going to save your career. Don't be afraid to get the help. Don't be afraid to ask for help. 
 
Jesse Gomez: If someone was in the same position that I was, I would tell them my story. I would tell them everything I went through. I would tell them they're 100% normal. I would tell them that they'll feel better one day. I will tell them to keep fighting. It's worth it on the other side. 
 
Nelly Rodriguez: I would advocate for someone going and getting the help sooner rather than later, so it doesn't affect their whole life because it can not only be a detriment to your kids, but it also a detriment to your marriage and even potentially your work life. Because then you start missing work, or you start calling out sick, or you start making mistakes and you don't, you know, you don't want to do that. 
 
Travis Haldeman: One of the things I have in place now, I have a couple of peers of mine that we check in on one another. We know when something's going on with the other one, and all it takes is a phone call from one of them to say, hey, you need to go talk about this, that there's no questions asked. We just respect their opinion and go talk it over with somebody, because I never want to get back to that state that I was in ever again. I've got kids that need a father, a wife that needs a husband. You know, I don't want, I don't want to be back there. I want to be healthy for them. Right? I do a lot to take care of myself physically on this job. I think a lot of first responders do. We eat right, we work out. We do that, we do that right thing. so don't dismiss that other half of the equation. Don't dismiss the mental health and well-being. You don't want to be the guy that goes home and kicks the dog. And you know, short with the kids and frustrated with the wife, like, don't be that person, right? You don't have to be that person. There's a path that you can take to get back to normal, to get back to being that the husband and father that your children and wife deserve. 
 
Jonathan Cute: If you give a shit about the folks you work with, whether you hold rank or you are, you know, a first-year cop, like, get your shit together and help these people because I promise you, the majority of these people that are going through some type of mental health crisis or issues or stressors, they want help. They want to be a good cop. They don't want to bow out. They don't want to retire early, take a pension. It's not what they signed up for, but maybe they were not given the tools to handle all of the things that have been packed on them, right? So, help them and I am certain, because if there's one thing I know, I know cops, they’re going to be bigger, better, faster, stronger, for your agency if you invest that time in them and don't punish them. 
 
Travis Haldeman: We're first responders, firefighters, cops, whatever. We're known for our integrity. We're known for wanting to do the right thing. So, you know, do the right thing. Go get the help. This is a moment where you can let your integrity shine, right? It's going to be hard, and it might be one of the most brave things you end up doing in your career. 
 
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